No, I am not grateful for discouragement, although I am discouraged.
It has been a long day where if you would have offered me an anxiety pill, I would have asked for seconds.
Instead, I prayed, and prayed, tried to distract myself with two darling boys, was prayed for, and yet the anxiousness remained.
The source of the anxiety is a job offer I am hoping to receive. I interviewed last Tuesday for a position as a Case Manager at a domestic violence and sexual assault crisis intervention center. I went to the interview certain that I was a good fit for the position and it would be a job I could do well. Upon leaving the interview, I was positive that this was the job I had been searching for. I mean I WANT this position. It felt like a calling rather than a job and my heart is aching to hear whether or not I landed it.
I was told that I would hear something last Friday at the earliest, and Wednesday at the latest. I handled my nerves of waiting fairly well through most of the week/weekend. Tuesday was tough and I was sure the phone would ring, and when it didn’t I decided to call Wednesday afternoon to inquire about the position.
It felt like I waited an eternity for 1:00 to roll around. I made the call. No luck as the director was out of the office. I left a message and waited. No word by 3pm, so I sent a short, cordial email politely inquiring if the position had been filled. I think I have checked my inbox 100 times since I pressed send.
I am still holding out hope that I will receive an affirming phone call tomorrow, but my spirit is so discouraged and it is very hard not to let doubt and worry creep in.
Apart from writing about this, I am truly doing all I can not to think about it, and when I start to, I immediately offer up a breath prayer of, “Lord, Your will, not mine.”
But it is tough. As I have prayed, I have been honest. “God, you know I want this job so much. I hope it is your will that they hire me, but if it isn’t, it will be okay, but I will be disappointed. Just laying that all out there. So, I know, your will. I’m just really anxious, but I’m trying to hand that over to you. Doesn’t seem to be working so well. I’m trying to have hope here! I’m trying not to feel let down, but I am. Just being real.” Lots of variations on that monologue. I would say dialogue, but it’s been pretty much crickets after I say my piece.
Here’s the thing, I know that God is okay with me being honest. He wants me to be real when I talk to him. He already knows what’s on my heart and mind, but He still wants to hear me open up and be real. It doesn’t do our relationship any good if all I utter are platitudes and half-hearted sentiments.
God is pleased with my authenticity.
He can work with the rough edges of my doubt and smooth down my anxiety-ridden heart. He is great at handling and redirecting my sarcasm, but He doesn’t want to hear that everything is fine when it isn’t.
He wants me, broken pieces and all.
He is making something beautiful out of my mess.
So, day 7 finds me frazzled with anxiety, discouraged, and holding on by a thread, but that thread of hope is very real indeed.
I am grateful to have a God who is bigger than my doubt and discouragement, who takes the worst parts of me and creates something spectacular.
Thanks for hearing my heart God and not just the words I say.
Have you been real with God lately? He’s waiting to hear from you, just as you are.