Each day is exhausting and I’m drowning. I feel like I am bailing myself out with a straw.
I don’t have any money to make an adorable fall wreath or even the energy to arrange my fall décor. And it makes me feel like a failure. My house is beginning to feel like it’s aiming for a spot on hoarders (ok not even close), but the bathrooms are dirty, clothes are piled up, and crumbs were being carried off by ants (literally), until the bug guy came out. If we get the dishes cleaned, and the toys somewhat contained, we consider it a victory. It all feels like too much and I’m not enough. My worry over not enough of this and too much of that is consuming my joy day to day. I am finding it hard to focus on all the good amidst the clutter of my heart.
I’m clinging to a few things right now. I have started working out with a great group of girls every weekday morning. We meet from 5:30-6:15 (Yep, A.M!) and are led by a few girls who completed GFit. We have jokingly nicknamed it Equate GFit since it is sort of a generic form of the popular workout. We don’t pay in $, but believe me, we pay in sweat. I’m so grateful that I asked to join the group and convinced my friend to join me. I am even more grateful that I have gotten up to attend, although I am somewhat less than grateful when every movement causes me to grunt in pain.
My boys are another source of hope, love, and grace for me. Even when Micah has tested every boundary possible and Kasen refuses to stay asleep longer than 30 minutes, I am grateful to have two precious boys to love. I’m not a perfect mom by any means, and most days feel like the furthest thing from it, but I am trying. The other boy I couldn’t make it without is my husband. Aaron loves me enough to stick by me. He helps out so much with the boys and the day to day operations. When he sees me at my limit, he is quick to step in and give me a little while to regroup. He is truly my prince and my other half.
The other source of strength right now is the daily devotional I have been reading. It is much easier to find the time for this when my day begins at 5am! I have been devouring the words that the ladies over at Girlfriends in God share and it never fails to speak directly to my heart. I have the GIG app on my phone so I have access to devotions wherever I am.
Today’s scripture particularly spoke light and truth in the darkness of my heart.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” – Philippians 4:4
I read the opening scripture and thought, “Really? The last thing I feel like doing is rejoicing. I would rather not, thank you.” When your heart is hurting and worry, anxiety, and doubt are dragging you down, rejoicing is not at the forefront of your thoughts and abilities.
But I read on.
Rejoice in this verse means to practice joy and to take delight in the Lord. Joy in the Lord, not my circumstances; not the way I feel. Paul is not telling us that we have to feel like rejoicing, but that we need to work on our joy in the Lord. It is about a deep rooted confidence that God is in control and taking joy in that truth. No matter how I feel, no matter the clutter around me or in my heart, God will be there to sustain me and renew me.
He is the one who is Enough. He does not ask me to be enough, but to take joy in the knowledge that He is!
So I am practicing joy. I am choosing to look beyond the clutter and see the bright horizon of hope.
I will continue to read God’s word and let Him guide each step. I will rejoice when the dishes don’t get done and the clothes pile topples over because there will always be more to do, but practicing joy in the moment is far more nourishing to my soul.
I may only have a straw some days to bail enough water from a sinking boat, but at least I have a straw!
Will you practice joy with me? Choose to let God be enough, if even for the next breath?
I hope you have a joyful day.