Hello sweets! I know that it has been an extended absence on my end, and while I apologize for no new posts, I desperately need some grace. I’m struggling to find my place, rhythm, and routine since Kasen’s joyous arrival into our lives, and this blog has been a casualty of that wandering war. When I have found moments where I might put my “pen to paper,” I find myself utterly lacking in inspiration, leaving my blog stagnant but my draft box burgeoning.
Even in the midst of the struggle there are great rays of light and I give thanks. I am learning to embrace the content life, but in this I am not my usual fast learning self. I have found a friend! Yay! I will fill in those details later. She has been a true blessing and I am enjoying the moments of growing together. We walk early in the morning 4-5 x’s a week and it is not only good for my body, it is water for a parched soul, just getting to spend that hour communing.
But there is still longing; still fixing, healing, restoring that needs to happen. There is the discontent that I am trying to stare down.
As I was making my way through my incredibly long list of blogs I read, I stopped by the ever-gifted Leanne Penny at leannepenny.com and was once again blown away at her words and the way she always seems to reach right in to my heart and pour in hope and grace. She was writing today about connection of the husband and wife variety; the very kind I have been missing so much. She threw down a connecting gauntlet and idea sharing challenge. Read about that here and contribute your own connecting tips and insights.
This was my response….“Oh Lordy, you did it again. I sometimes think you have a direct link look into my soul girl. I literally was just telling (pleading) with Aaron not an hour ago that I need to reconnect, get some face time, or otherwise stop and get a hug from him. Most days we pass not only like ships in the night, but like ships lost out on a foggy sea, unable to hear the distress signals the other is sending out. It is painful and disheartening, especially in the haze of sleep deprivation via the almost 3 yo who refuses to sleep through the night and the 2 mo who wants to be held ALL DAY LONG. I am soul-weary and I know he is too. He has the burdens, business, and blessings of the church pulling at him as well as attempting to be super daddy, which he often is. I’m just trying to find the strength to keep my head above water, when some days I feel like sinking would be easier. As I make my way through the Ann Vos Kamp book, 1,000 Gifts, that you recommended, I strive to give thanks even in the midst of the mayhem I feel. I often fail. I carve out moments to devour some scripture to feed my hungry soul, yet it feels like I don’t have time to let it digest because the baby is awake and crying again (after 15 minutes), or Micah is no longer interested in the Play-Doh and life beckons and must go on. I know it is better than nothing, so I give thanks, mostly. I am grateful that I know I am not alone, yet I still feel so lonely. I need my husband, my best friend, my lover, and my soul mate. I need that connection and that quality time and physical touch (thank you love languages!) I need to be wanted and needed and loved for Heather the wife, lover, best friend and heart’s desire for a little while and not the mom. So where does this leave us? What can we do? We have talked about scheduling our time better, but have yet to put it into practice. We need to start today because tomorrow might be too late. We need to get back to what bonded us together in the first place. We need to laugh, share deeply, dig into God’s goodness, and love like crazy. before all he has is someone crazy to love.”
There is my heart right now. I am crazy in love with my kids and husband most of the time. I LOVE them always. I just am in desperate need to reconnect with the hubs in a big way. He helps me see myself through clearer, less harsh and critical eyes. He steers my over emotional heart away from crashing shores. He helps renew my reliance on God as he has done from the moment we became friends.
So dear friends (I can call you that right?), I am in need of grace as I figure this all out. My hope it that things get sorted out soon and I’ll feel like it’s smooth sailing most days. Lord knows there will always be storms to live through. Until then and always, I’m looking for the lighthouse of grace to flood into my life, shining in the dark moments, and guiding me home.
Until next time…blessings on your own daily journey to calm waters.