G is for Growth Guilt
I have a growth. It is approximately 26 in. in length, weighs around 14 lbs., and is attached to my body, though its exact placement shifts. It can normally be found in my arms, on my chest or my lap, on my side, or occasionally on my legs. Oh, and it has a name; Micah. Currently this growth is thought to be in the Separation Anxietous stage, commonly referred to as Clingitis. Even though I took all the necessary and recommended precautions to avoid such attachments, the growth, or Micah, seems determined to run the full course. There are many home remedies that are commonly used in these, um, situations, though often it is simply a matter of time passing when the growth seems to mature enough to self-sustain and is apparently comfortable enough to dislodge itself. When we have removed the growth against its will, no matter how gently, it has been painful and caused many crying outbursts. For now, we have determined that patience, lots of TLC, gently caresses, cuddling, and lots of kisses and verbal reassurance are the best course of treatment. We have been warned to appreciate this time of closeness. Often, the growth will return unexpectedly, but it is often a desired return because one who has carried the growth for so long and then experiences its absence or freedom, longs for its closeness once again.
Well, to sum it up, Micah has officially hit separation anxiety full-force. I’ll be honest, it is wearing on me physically and emotionally. Even when Aaron is home and able to give me a break, it is becoming increasingly difficult to get Micah to leave my arms without a ton of fuss or an all out fit. We socialize Micah with others and up till now has been Mr. Center of Attention and Charm. Oh where did that boy go? He still shows up, but it is less and less frequent. I was feeling really guilty the other day when I expressed to Aaron that I just wanted, no needed, to get away from Micah, and I wasn’t talking about an excursion to the mall or nail salon. I need a full-on, away for an entire day and night, if not weekend, break; and I am wracked with guilt. Aaron has been so supportive and tells me that I have nothing to feel guilty about, while reminding me that apart from being away from Micah at night while sleeping, I have never been apart from him for more than 6 hours of Micah’s whole life (almost 7 months).
But I love my son, and he needs me, and I have to breastfeed him, and it’s my job, and on and on; these are my excuses as the guilt kicks into high gear. This is my impasse. I’m sure I will get my break sometime and I will miss Micah 5 hrs into it, and I know the clingyness will lessen and the anxiety will pass and I will long for those outstretched arms and pleading “I only have eyes for Mommy” looks. So I will enjoy these moments as much as I can, for the blessings of today will be gone in a blink of an eye as time passes so swiftly.