What did you want to be when you grew up? Or, like me, are you still asking that question?
It then hits me…. I am grown up; most of the time! In elementary school on those formative career days, I dressed up one year as a lawyer, another as a writer, and another as a singer. Only one of those was fun to dress up as. I mean a fourth grader in business casual with notes, a briefcase, and an up-do doesn’t scream thrilling!
Over the years I stopped asking what I wanted to be and my focus shifted to how was I getting to college, but the question stopped there. I knew that in order to get to college I was going to have to get a scholarship, and that it would probably be through softball. So I focused on softball, which quickly consumed a lot of my life and time, and the rest was centered on friends and fun with a bit of school mixed in. Who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do in the future wasn’t really even on the playing field of my mind.
Church fell far down on the priority list after my 7th grade confirmation class failed to answer some questions I had or to convince me why I should be there. I was seeking something, but I didn’t know what it was at the time. Looking back I now know I was seeking a real relationship with Christ, not just reasons why I had to attend church. Needless to say any soul searching I was doing was not Christ-centered and I was not trying to find what God wanted me to be. That journey began my senior year of high school and I thought I had figured out God’s calling towards the end of my sophmore year of college. Finally, I found that life-changing relationship with Christ and I was feeling called to enter ministry as a youth director. That was the path I pursued as I transferred to Oklahoma City University my junior year. I knew I was following God’s will when I met the love of my life and my now husband, Aaron. God has continued to work through Aaron in directing my steps.
Fast forward almost 8 years and we arrive in my current state of lost direction. When I married Aaron, the career path of being in ministry shrunk as it is a little difficult to walk into a new church and demand they hire me as the children, youth, or education director. Probably wouldn’t make the best first impression! It is enough of a demand to form my identity as a pastor’s wife. but I thought I would make this challenging and figure the whole package out at once. (Yes, sometimes sarcasm eases the tension!)
Here I am once again wondering what I am supposed to do, and that is the ‘path’ I have been on for about 5 years now. It is not a path of contentment or peace and I am ready to reach the end. I have learned that this is not something I can even begin to do on my own or by my own power. I have to surrender my desires, hopes, and dreams to God and trust in His perfect timing and will. Again, this letting go of control. The peace will come as there is less of me and more of Him.
I am on a mission to find my mission! I have been floundering for so long trying to figure out what I am supposed to do and who I am? What does the Lord want me to do and be? There are many avenues and options, so many in fact that it is very overwhelming! So, before my family and I move and I get settled again into complacency and just a job, I am whole-heartedly seeking God’s will for me.
I am using the book, S.H.A.P.E.: Finding & Fulfilling Your Unique Purpose for Life, by Erik Rees as a tool to help discern this path. He is a member of Saddleback Church where Rick Warren is pastor, and he was inspired to write this book after Warren’s, Purpose Driven Life, addressed the 5 purposes for all Christians. This book goes a step deeper and more personal as it helps discover their unique purpose or Kingdom purpose. I will be honestly examining 5 areas of my life to determine my Kingdom Shape! By looking at my spiritual abilities, heart, abilities, personality, and experiences I hope I will hear God speaking and see His path set before me.
I will be updating as I make my way through the book and listen to that still, small voice. I hope that as I share my journey that it might inspire others who feel lost or just need a little direction to seek their God-directed path. For those who know me, I will be seeking your honest input on what you see as my S.H.A.P.E. because God puts people in our path to help love and guide us. So, away we go….
Update: After reading the introduction and Author’s notes I was already hearing God speak. I heard Him saying, “Come to me,” and all I could think was to dive into His Word. As I pulled up my daily devotion, I had to smile at the amazing way God speaks. Sometimes it’s hard to discern and other times, well, this was the scripture at the top:
John 3:27- “God in heaven appoints each persons work.”
Alright God, you have my full attention!